Library Wankers

University exams are a daunting prospect. However much we try and convince ourselves that “getting 40% will be easy”, ultimately, we still tremble with fear at the very thought of that great big exam hall. So, in order to assure ourselves that we are actually doing something to overcome our alarming lack of knowledge for our course, we go to the library. We sit there, trying to ‘work’, only to be driven to the verge of insanity by those who can only be described as ‘library wankers’.

Below, I have categorised them:

THE SOCIALISER – Whether it be on the phone, or face-to-face, The Socialiser is constantly talking.  A sure-fire way to spot one is by spotting the worn out F5 button on their keyboard, which is in this state thanks to repeated refreshing of Facebook and Twitter. A certain ‘swagger’ is maintained through the donning of a Snapback and vigorous chewing of gum. To them, the library is a social club. The corridor is a catwalk. Frequent trips to the loo are a must in order to check every hair is in place at all times. Finally, The Socialiser naïvely thinks they have mastered whispering – they haven’t.

For more tips on socialising please tweet @J_Kaas.

THE SPACE TAKER-UPPER – This library wanker comes in two forms. On one side we have the student who storms into the library and sprays their work all over the communal desk, making sure all stationary rolls over to the other side of the desk. Spatial awareness is seriously lacking, as made obvious by their inability to stack books vertically, rather than horizontally. Alternatively, there is the student who comes in alone yet insists on saving at least three seats for friends who don’t turn up for what seems an eternity. This character often doubles up as a frequent ‘ssssshhhhhhussher’.

THE FIDGETER  – Simply refuses to work. Any alternative to studying is acceptable. This annoyance will often be found clicking pens, flicking through books aimlessly, and removing/replacing items of clothing repeatedly. The Fidgeter is so determined to procrastinate that they will be willing to sacrifice their own personal health by taking up smoking. To them, merely entering the library constitutes revision. To this kind of wanker, the library is transformed into a playground – the small gaps between the desks become peep holes. Or, in extreme cases, glory holes. All Fidgeters receive the same fate – failure in exams.

For ideas on procrastination please tweet @jcinna.

THE WORKER – Opposite of above. In the least racist way, based on hard fact after my countless visits to the library, usually of an Oriental descent. Absolutely determined to work, they are intensely fixated at all times. They write furiously and relentlessly, churning out revision notes like there’s no tomorrow. The Worker will become completely engrossed in their own little world. They zone out to the extent that they refuse to budge their chair for anyone. Several pens are brought to the library so that when, inevitably, the first couple run out, they have a few more spare.

THE OBSESSOR – Similar to The Worker, but less intelligent and more motivated. Rarely seen in anything other than pyjamas, onesies or trackies. They seemingly live at the library, and have no concept of time or revision breaks. A specimen of incredible human concentration, The Obsessor is able to work for hours and hours on end. They often refuse to drink or eat to minimise risk of needing the toilet. If paramedics are ever called into the library, point them in the direction of The Obsessor.

THE SEAT RESERVER – This particular wanker will purposely leave behind work overnight in order to reserve their seat for the following day. This act is extremely frowned upon among the library community, and goes against the socially accepted library etiquette that is so integral to ensuring the library runs smoothly and efficiently. Can be recognised by the look of sheer bewilderment plastered across their face when they realise their precious work has been stolen.

For a partner with whom to commiserate over lost work, please tweet @benjiweinberger.

THE HIPSTER – Not so much of a wanker, but more of a traditionalist who comes to the library for its intended, original use: taking books out, reading them, then returning them. Weirdo.

THE AVOIDER – This is the student who avoids the library with every fibre in their body. They stay cooped up in solitary confinement, engrossed in their books, internalising every bit of knowledge. They are ultimately the biggest wankers because they’re the only ones who actually pass their exams.



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