Clubbing Wankers

We’ve all done it. Got ourselves massively hyped up for a huge night out, only for our pre-planned tactics to fail miserably, with the result being a worse-for-wear moody teenager swanning around the club in search of a mood-lifter. At this point, there is only one thing left to do: mope around the club in a bad mood, judging each and every person who is unlucky enough to bump into us.

More often than not, these are the kinds of wankers we encounter:

THE BALLER – Perhaps the biggest, most notorious clubbing wanker. To be a part of this exclusive society, a passion for high end, ridiculously expensive alcohol is key. The uniform is sleek and stylish, with flamboyant shirts, pretentious waistcoats, and shiny shoes a must. A true Baller can be identified by the shiny Rolex on their wrist, or the waft of Paco Rabanne aftershave everyone around them will undoubtedly be stifled with.

VIP entry to all top clubs comes as standard, as does several bottles of Grey Goose and Moet per night – the bigger the better. The Baller will often be spotted at the Movidas and Jalouses of this world, as opposed to the more student-friendly Oceanas and Gatecrashers. Their plan is to spend as much as is humanly possible in an attempt to boost their ego enough to speak to members of the opposite sex, which, more often than not, ends in failure. Relentless guzzling of copious amounts of triple-distilled vodka often results in an Addison Lee-style taxi being called prematurely.

THE WOLFPACK – Consists of groups of boys who storm round the club in search of female conquests. A specific attire is required, consisting of matching hairstyles with excessive gel, a t-shirt with a print of a sexy girl on front (preferably bought at AllSaints), and spray-on skinny jeans. T-shirt sleeves will undoubtedly be rolled up, and piercings/tattoos are optional extras. Members of The Wolfpack will often be seen pointing at girls, selecting them for approach. These are the wankers most likely to leave the club with a black eye, having been punched by one of their targets after a cheeky comment was taken the wrong way.

THE RELUCTANT CLUBBER – Will often be persuaded to come on the night out at the last moment due to that unforgiving fear of missing out that haunts us. However, their original reluctance never fully subsides and so they often take to their phone to occupy them, rather than immerse themselves in the crazy drunken antics surrounding them.

A running commentary of the night is provided by them for all their Twitter followers, as they feel it is their obligation to warn everyone how ‘shit’ and ‘dead’ the club is. This is complete with spelling mistakes littered throughout, to give everyone the impression they are actually drunk. Once their phone runs out of battery thanks to over-use, The Reluctant Clubber will pester all their friends to leave with them as soon as possible, tempting them with the reward of greasy hot wings or cheesy chips as a late-night snack.

THE DELUDED DANCER – This party animal will dance all night with a gleeful disregard for their horrendous moves. They think that they have mastered all the dance crazes – The Dougie, Gangnam Style and the Cha Cha Slide – they haven’t. This is exemplified when they somehow manage to get the Harlem Shake wrong. Importantly, they will stubbornly refuse to accept any criticism, rebutting it by having the cheek to chuckle at someone else’s dancing. The Deluded Dancer is most likely to be found dancing in acres of space as their friends back off in embarrassment.

THE EXPLORER – This character will enter the club and immediately lose their friends within minutes. They’ll go on a wild adventure in a quest to be reunited with their pals, discovering various phenomena en route – often including several high fives/fist bumps with strangers, ventures into and out of the retro room with alarming speed, and becoming best friends with the toilet guy. After finally being reunited with their friends, they will proceed to wildly over-exaggerate with regards what they encountered on their adventure. This will include fabricated stories of body shots, drinking games, invitations to the DJ booth and spontaneous lap dances.

THE BIG SPENDER – Always sets out with good intentions of not irrevocably damaging their student loan – yet, inevitably, the night never pans out in this way. The Big Spender is a frequent drink-buyer – and not necessarily just for themselves. They will somehow manage to tip the toilet man at least a tenner every visit, whilst rarely reimbursing themselves by indulging in the appropriate amount of liquid soap, aftershave or confectionery. As a result, a lack of punani is inevitably experienced due to the failure to spray themselves with Armani.

THE HEAVY PRE-DRINKER – No matter how many times they say they won’t, this clubbing enthusiast always proceeds to over-do it at pre-drinks. The temptation is too much to take, so countless vodka shots are knocked back in no time at all. They can be seen walking around the pre-drink location aimlessly, high-fiving everyone in sight, and inappropriately groping all their female friends at least once. This wanker thinks it’s hilarious to tease someone for ‘not drinking’ even when they quite clearly are drinking. The Heavy Pre-Drinker rarely makes it out of pre-drinks conscious, and if they do, odds are they won’t last even half an hour at the club.

THE RING LEADER – The clubbing king, the life of the party. This guy is a true alpha male. They decide which club you go to. If they embrace the themed clothing, you do too. They control the music in the pres. They start the chants in the cab. You buy them drinks. They dance in the middle, you dance around them. Girls want to be with them, guys want to be them.

Don’t deny it – you are in at least one of these groups, if not several. So, the next time you’re out on the town, remember this blog so you can brand each and every one of your friends a particular clubbing wanker.

DW